The Night Before The Big Day

These three days getting a medication that is to alleviate some of the reactions that go with the treatment I am to receive on Wednesday have gone okay, but I certainly missed some of the side effects when I was reading about this. I am pink, as in flushed. Face is red, maybe a touch puffy. My hands and fingers (palm-side especially) are very sensitive to hot. You should have seen me taking hot clothes out of the dryer awhile ago. Mouth is dry, and feels “oily.” Strange stuff, this med. 

I just got off the phone with my daughter. We had a good conversation, and I was fine until I began to talk about what was going to happen tomorrow. As long as I was dealing with facts, I was fine, but as I began to talk about feelings, the emotions just spilled over. I so wish I didn’t have to do this. I hate cancer. I hate what it does to me and what it does to so many people that I know. Just today, a high school friend wrote me and told me he has been diagnosed with colon cancer, and is having surgery on Friday. 

I have a lot of feelings about all this. Fear? Yes. I know that “He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7) I want it to be over already, but I am reminded, “those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength.” (See Isaiah 40:28-31). The problem is I am not very good at waiting. Yet, I know I have to. I know that part of my just-barely-under-the-surface emotions can be attributed to my fitful sleep the last few weeks. Maybe my fitful sleep is a result of my emotions. Don’t know. God does, and I certainly need His presence and grace to be almost tangible right now… or at least by tomorrow. I choose to trust Him, because “He will keep in perfect peace those who trust in Him” (Isaiah 26:3). He promises “peace that surpasses all understanding” if I choose to be thankful and pray rather than worry (Philippians 4:4-7). 

At times like this, when I am feeling overwhelmed, I am so glad that God is bigger than my understanding of Him, and that He has all of this under His control. I want to glorify Him. 

Please continue to pray. Do not think that “Tom is so strong, he’ll get through this.” It is God who is strong. Pray that I will do well. Pray for this treatment to get the cancer in remission. Pray for God’s strength to come through. Pray that God gets the glory.