Weakness

Romans 8:26-27 (NIV)  
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

There are times when I feel especially weak during this process. Not so much in a physical sense, although my stamina has certainly been blitzed by the chemotherapy, and not spiritually—I know God is in control. My weakness is indicated more by my emotions. When the emotional tank gets low, I come to the end of myself, realizing I just don’t have the power to bull my way through. I feel, but I cannot express. My heart is heavy, but I cannot tell you why. Tears are just below the surface, but I am not sad about anything.

How good to know that the Spirit of God intercedes in our behalf even when we do not how to do it for ourselves. There are times when I pray, “Lord, you know my heart better than I know it. Do what needs to be done.”

Again, I come to the place of just how dependent upon God I am. This need to depend upon God was put in all of us at creation. Many ignore it, or try to soothe it away with religion, social interaction, or medication. God designed me (and you) to depend upon Him. For a self-sufficient (and very task-oriented) American, that is often hard to do.

So the Spirit intercedes for me according to God’s will. No, my heart yearnings won’t get me around God’s plan for me. But what does match up with His plan is carried on to the throne. And I further believe that the Spirit also will be at work in my heart to bring it around to following and affirming God’s plan. This is a good place to be. I am thankful that my God desires to be so personally in my life and every life.

Updates:

• Had some tests locally today that will be sent to Emory for part of the evaluation process which determines if I can stand the "cure." Hope I passed.

• No dates yet beyond our initial meeting on Ground Hog Day (February 2). 

• Please continue to pray that my disease continues to respond to the treatment, and that I continue to lean on Christ for the whole deal - spiritual, physical, and emotional.

Groanings in Hope

Romans 8:22-25
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

Groanings.
No, I am not in pain. Praise the Lord for that. Monday, as I was getting my IV started, the nurse was surprised that I could feel it more than normal. I told her she’d just made a direct stick on a nerve ending and it was mad. That is my level of pain so far.

These groanings are deep inside, perhaps beyond conscious thought, that yearn for the life that God created in Adam and now await every Christ-follower in Heaven. Somewhere, deep down, there is that desire for redemption and restoration that only the Father can provide. One day, when this body is redeemed for the final time, there will be no more cancer, allergies, back issues, front issues (fat), sinus problems or anything else.

Hope that is seen is no hope at all, Paul says. What I think he means is that you don’t have to hope if you already know its reality. However, he is not saying that hope in Christ is hoping in a “maybe.” And then he tosses that world “patiently” in there, describing how we wait in hope. That is a high standard toward which to strive, at least for me.

It is important to know that the Greek word for “hope” is very different from what we mean when we use the word. For us, when we say, “I hope…” it usually means that something is possible but not probable. For it to come through would be a wonderful surprise. For example, I hoped I could have the Stem Cell Transplant in Augusta, but I knew it wasn’t likely. If the insurance company had smiled on us, then it would have been a delightful surprise.

The Greek word for hope [“elpis” to anticipate, usually with pleasure or confidence.] Keyword Bible] is based in certainty, something guaranteed.

 

For the Greek scholars out there, I know the last letter, a sigma, should look like our "s", but my font didn't provide that.


Prayer Notes

• Pray that the chemo is doing its job, and maybe start doing it better. There is a little monoclonal protein number that the doctors watch. They want it to be zero. Mine started out at 9.2, and right now it is 4 or 4 point something. If it comes down significantly, I could avoid some of the nastier chemo, maybe, before the Stem Cell transplant. 

• Pray that all the logistical details can get covered before we start the big stuff at Emory. April and I both have lists, and they seem to be growing.
  

Happiness and an Update

This was on my desk calendar a few days ago. Sometimes happiness may relate to a specific reason, but, for a believer, we can choose happiness based on the fact that we know the creator of the universe, and he has all things in His control, so we can be thankful, happy, confident in His care for us.

News
We have heard from the doctor at Emory, and are scheduled for our introductory appointment on February 2. Nothing big to happen that day as far as I know, except that we meet each other, and they take some of my blood for a few tests. It will be a day trip from Augusta: three hours traveling there, three hours at the hospital, and three hours coming back. Beyond that, we don't know much else about the schedule, but knew many of you would want to know.

More to come.
Tom

A Decision, Finally

Wow, I kept thinking we would know something, so I haven't posted in two weeks.Here is the latest.

I found out Friday (1/15) that the insurance company rejected our appeal to have the Stem Cell Transplant done locally. This was not really a surprise. But, until a decision was rendered, there was a little glimmer of hope in the back of my mind. So now we know what is ahead.

Someone wrote me the other day, and as they were telling me how much my posts had meant to them (thank you) they wondered if it was a way of ministering to myself as well. The answer to that is, "Absolutely." I have to look at what God says for hope and encouragement. Way better than what I think. The notes below from Isaiah 40:28-31 were actually written about ten days ago, but I think you will see how they apply.

Isaiah 40:28-31
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

God has the big picture. He sees far beyond what I can see. He created the earth. He knows all there is to know. He never tires. An issue never stumps him. He is the source of strength and power. If I will wait on Him, He will renew my strength, to the point that I will not grow weary, or faint. (I’ll assume that includes not dizzy, or cold, either.)

Waiting has never been easy for me. I am wired toward the impatient side, and that is not a good thing. Right now, once again, I am in the school of waiting. I am waiting to see if the chemo is working. I am waiting to hear from the insurance company about the SCT. I would much rather get on with it, but that is not how God is choosing to work this time around. He rarely works according to my time schedule anyway.

That is the rather abrupt end to those God-time notes. But that was what I needed to leave with. He is God. I'm not. He has it covered.

So, here are some current things to pray with us about.

• I start round five of chemo Monday, and I think that will be the last one. Not sure what the timetable will be after that, but I hope to have a rough idea by early next week.

• I am experiencing some of the fear of the unknown right now about the transplant, sort of like I felt before the chemo started. I have some folks who have been through all of this to talk to. I know that will help, even though I know that every patient is different.

• We have lots to do to get ready for this Atlanta segment of treatment. Lots of logistics for us personally, and lots of things that I do around the church that others will have to do. We have a reasonable amount of depth in most areas, but we do need volunteers to come forward for a few things so I can show them how it is done.

Thanks! Pray that all this is for God's glory. Pray that I will keep my gaze on Him rather than all this stuff that surrounds us right now.

More later.

Psalm 121 - Where to Look for Help

Psalm 121 is a packed out Psalm—especially for me in this time in my life—and it is important to remember that my help comes from the Lord. I may look up to the hills, awaiting the “cavalry” of doctors and medical science to ride down to my rescue, but my real help comes from the Lord. He is the one that holds the present and future in His hands, just as He held the past. Only he can see beyond this moment.

This morning I received a note from a friend, a Pastor in Oradea, Romania, and he spoke of how there was much unknown territory ahead in 2010, and how we must keep our eyes on Jesus. Absolutely.

When I am reminded of who my Helper is—the maker of heaven and earth—I know that He is the best, most powerful helper there is or ever could be. He knows all there is to know about everything. He knows me, and loves me in spite of that. As He watches over Israel, He watches over me. He is my ever-watchful stabilizer, my shade, my protector, my guide.

Now some would argue that my having cancer indicates that He is not all that watchful, but I do not believe that. Did He allow this to come to my life? Certainly. Did He send it because he desires to see his children suffer? No. Did it happen because He was not paying attention? No. He doesn’t even take naps. Perhaps it has come as training for something in the future.

The hardest question for me to ask is “Lord, what do you want me to learn from this?” It is hard because I may not know the answer until the whole deal is over. Perhaps it is simply for His glory. His being glorified does not ride on my personal response to the disease, the treatment or the outcome. His glory is bigger than that. The thing I need to pray is that I would not be protected or delivered from His glory.

My help comes from the Lord.

C-Word Update

Yesterday, I had my second chemo day in this cycle (#4). The additional drug looks like cool-aid. Things continue to go well. I have started a new medication by mouth and it makes me a little dizzy (and occasionally a lot dizzy) when I stand up too quick after sitting for a period of time. This makes verse three, about not letting my foot slip, all the more meaningful! So please continue to pray for me that side effects will continue to be minimal, and meds to be effective, but most of all, that God will be glorified.


We continue to await word from the insurance company about our desire to have the Autologus Stem Cell Transplant here in Augusta. We may have to wait until January 8, which is the requisite thirty-days after the appeal. We know what we want. We also know that God sees the big picture and knows what is best. So pray that His will is done, and that He is glorified.

Thanks!

If you haven't subscribed to get this in your email box, please do. The box is upper right.